The Bad, The Worse and the Really Ugly
Ten people you should never, categorically ever sleep with. Not because it wouldn’t be great fun, but because doing so just wouldn’t be worth the stress! Listed in increasing order of riskiness and reactions of moral outrage…
1- Your best friend. You’ve known them since the year dot, and bonded over play dough and chicken pox. You’ve travelled through the gawky, trying period of young adulthood. They were away over the summer for whatever reason, and…ding dong?! They suddenly became something of a god or goddess? Now it’s hard to engage in the old banter of childhood without imagining what it would be like to… Then at a family BBQ you disappear upstairs and do ‘it’. Now what? All the effortlessness of your sustained friendship has vanished because now you’ve seen each other naked. It becomes awkward. You forget how to be. The play dough people of your youth are squashed by a thoughtless act of lust.
2- A work colleague. You found each other appealing from the get go. You sit opposite each other and wonder if they look at you as often as you look at them. You flirt shamelessly on lunch breaks, on Facebook and Twitter. You exchange numbers and spend days texting across the office, with coy smiles. It’s thrilling, because none of your other colleagues know what the two of you are up to. Then ‘it’ happens. And frankly, who could live up to the expectations. You start ignoring their messages, but you can’t ignore them in the office. It’s perpetually horrible, and ultimately drives you to hand in your notice.
3- Your ex. You loved each other once. Your vision was flushed with the pink shimmer of passion, mystified by the effect they had on you. But the haze clears pretty quickly. That habit of theirs begins to grate, someone cheats. Whatever the reason, you separate and spend ten days swaddled in a quilt, eating Doritos and bawling to Sinead O’Connor’s “Nothing Compares to You”. Slowly you re-emerge, soon you’re back out on the prowl again. But something lures you back into your ex’s arms, and bed… Then ‘it’ happens. In fact, ‘it’ keeps happening. That delicious pink haze returns
and soon you can’t get enough of it…
4- Your flatmate. This one’s easy. It’s the first night of freshers week, they’re hot, you’re both intoxicated, ‘it’ happens. ‘It’ might continue into October, but it was never going to be forever. All too soon there’s a big elephant sitting in the communal kitchen and no amount of forced small
talk will shoo it away.
5- Someone you’re in love with, who doesn’t return the sentiment. You’re besotted with them. They only care about you as far as their sexual appetite stretches. But you convince yourself they care, they’re just being elusive. They just need time to realise it. No. They genuinely don’t care. Move on before your self worth is completely diminished.
6- The exact reverse of the above. If you’ve ever been treated with so little respect, you would understand how unendurable it is to be lead on for the pure sexual gratification of the other party. Never subject anybody to such agony. You’re much better than that.
7- Your best friend’s parent/sibling. You’ve harboured fantasies about them for a long time. But never imagined it transitioning to reality. You’ve crashed at your friend’s place, as per, and they’ve rushed out early for something trivial. ‘It’ happens before you realise. So now you’re stuck. You
can’t tell your friend- the repercussions would be too devastating- so you lock it away. You can never visit that house with the same familiarity again.
8- Your boss, teacher, physiotherapist…basically anybody who occupies a position of power over you. Again, an entertaining fantasy becomes all too real. You wondered in the beginning whether those looks, so often cast your way, were for more than simple vision. Under inconceivable circumstances, that even your closest friend refuses to believe, ‘it’ happens. It’s outrageously good at first, until someone finds out. Word spreads like wildfire. Both of you are suspended pending further action…
9- A friend’s ex. Eloquently put by Gretchen Wieners in Mean Girls; “Irregardless, ex boyfriends are just off limits to friends, that’s just like, the rules of feminism!”. This applies just as much to ex-girlfriends- the rules of masculinity- if you will. When your friend asked for confirmation that their new girlfriend or boyfriend was a hottie, you politely agree that they’re “not bad”. In actual fact, you’ve been weak at the knees and battling with your biological impulses for their entire relationship. Now it’s over. You just spoke to your friend when you get a call from their now ex
who wants to confide in you. After all, you’re their lifeline- a potential mediator. You go over at their request and, accidentally in the process of comfort, ‘it’ happens. You leave with a burning secret, that becomes too hot. So you drop it, right in your former best friend’s lap. I say former,
because they promptly refuse to speak to you ever again. Hearts are broken, and now, so is your friendship.
10- Someone’s significant other. The head shakes. The contemptuous glances. General ostracism. If you’ve ever been discovered as the ‘other’ guy or girl, you’ll know these viscous manifestations of judgement bite at your ankles for a very long time. Of course, you’re only half responsible for your predicament- but it’s the tendency of your lover’s wife/fiancé/boyfriend to blame you entirely for misleading, corrupting or luring their loved one in some conniving scheme. Even though there was probably no scheme. Maybe you just didn’t know that he or she was already in a relationship. ‘It’ happened, and you couldn’t negotiate your way out of the situation. So you just continued with a ruthless YOLO philosophy. But alas, you were exposed. Cue shame. Cue carrying around that big red letter ‘A’. Cue a long, difficult process of piecing your reputation back together.