Welcome to the wonderful town of ‘Singleton’, please drive slowly through those tears…

Ain’t no mountain high enough? For f**k’s sake Diana, there definitely is and enough is enough (and I’ve had enough.) To cut a long painful story short, my long term boyfriend and I have broken up.

I got on to thinking about this, and I realised that recently between my friends and I, we’ve racked up a number of very dramatic break ups. Maybe it’s the season for it? That is also the thing that makes this worse, the season. The wintery-christmasy-coupley season has just arrived.

Obviously initially I kept envisaging myself at the single table of all my friend’s weddings imminent weddings (despite none of them being engaged), I listened to a lot of Joni Rivers (she is fabulous but she’s hardly a barrel of laughs). Then I attempted to turn myself into Kate Moss at the Number Seven counter at Boots, until I realised I don’t even have enough money to do that. Instead I took an invitation from the Asda down the road being open twenty four hours to give myself a coronary.

So if like me you’re convinced that your ex is having a whale of a time, threesomes every night, and has totally forgotten about you, Lucy who? Here are some activities for your melodramatic self that can make your run up to Christmas bearable, giving the micro meals for one and your hand a rest.

Firstly DO NOT dwell on why, do not sit in Victoria Park late at night cawing at the trees and asking was it because you have bad karma, and it is not because you took half an hour to text after he put the phone down on you after that argument. My point is yes it is the ‘Christmas period’ and typically we’d all like a Clooney to keep us cosy but there are still perks to being a singleton…

You can spend money not on mistletoe or sentimental scrap books but on a gym membership. It’s not Ann Summers’ lingerie, but it will make you feel sexier around Christmas, which is what we all want right? So many parties… A little bit of trivia, there are (roughly) 764 gyms in London, so take your pick.

We all know the benefits of exercise but some gyms offer classes as part of your membership, which is great for meeting new people blah blah blah but more importantly taking out your rage on bags and pads which won’t land you with a criminal record (unlike the voodoo getting-over-you-arson you may… or may not have considered). Added bonus is you feel great with a hot bod ready for Christmas parties.

Replace lonely ice cream appreciation sessions in your bedroom for cocktails with the girls. Be at One have happy hour where cocktails are half price, and the best part is you can start your own happy hour if you have the ‘appi hour’ app. This very dangerous app means half price cocktails are yours whenever!

If you’re going on a big GNO (girls night out, obviously) to Be at One, or anywhere else, ‘Cheeky beauty parlour’ is a great place to spend the preceding hours! Its affordable pampering (nails and blow dries) £10 and £15 respectively are fab value and their quaint little café with home-made cakes and soups is a refreshing far cry from snatching the pizza off the dominos delivery driver winking and playing ‘Let’s get it on’ in hope for some company. This way you can all go together for quality time and they even serve Babycham- bliss.

Okay so the final thing on my list of ‘things to do when getting over your ex in the couple-y festive period’ (catchy) is Winter Wonderland! This annual extravaganza at Hyde Park has to have something to cheer you up; Ice skating, observation wheels, rides, circuses, and more to the point, mulled wine aplenty and bratwurst sausages. It can be as cheap you like or if you fancy a splurge there are plenty of things to splash out on!

You can’t fail to be distracted from your relationship woes or generally fall into the festive spirit especially with all the gingerbread, but be careful not to undo all the work you’ve done at boyfrie… body combat class.

Image by Be At One Cocktail Bar
Image by Be At One Cocktail Bar

1 thought on “Welcome to the wonderful town of ‘Singleton’, please drive slowly through those tears…

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