Guten Tag mein Herr. Wie gehts? Wunderbar, wunderbar. And your safety word? Sehr gut mein naughty little Herr. Now get down on your knees, clothes off, DOWN, these thigh-highs aren’t going to lick themselves clean.

Oh halo! You’ve just caught me at work. Mein name ist Fraulein PVC skirt, some call me pleather, others ‘high-shine’, but they’re skirting (pun intended) the kinky truth of me. PVC. Get me on… NOW! Give your backside a quick sharp slap. Hear zat? That’s PVC. The unadulterated, politically incorrect sound of S & M. You enjoy it don’t you? You dirty little…

You see, I’ve been brought upstairs, out of the dungeon and onto, what you English wursts call, the ‘high-street’. I’ve spent the last ten years slapping in San Francisco, groping in Graceland, biting in Budapest, being harnessed in Hong Kong, rutting in Rio, tromboning in Toulouse, licking in Luxembourg, clamping in Cleveland, tea-bagging Toronto, grunting in Georgia, squealing in St. Petersburg, I actually had to bark once in Berlin… anyway you get zee picture, yah? I’ve been around the brothel, I mean block, a few times now. And it’s fun; oh boy it’s been fun, but sometimes a Madame just wants to be taken out for a beer and a currywurst, not just kept in for a wurst, you know?

Und now! It’s Runways, offices, coffees and museums. All of the day and then all of the night! I’m even gracing the bottom of the monogamous London woman! Can you imagine? Und don’t I look the picture of sophistication? In midi-length paired with a Breton top, in pencil with a yummy Whistles shirt and buttock-skimming, a personal preference (old habits die hard, yah?), with a tucked-in luscious knit. I seem to have really captured zee zeitgeist, and I’m everywhere! Topshop, Antipodium, Zara, you name it – they’ve got me.

I do sometimes think back to my darker years and, yah, I miss them in a way so, please, don’t be too good. I do look spectacular with a mesh top, leather bra und fish-nets…

Now rile those boys up, remember, I’m wipe-clean for a reason…

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