For the most part it doesn’t bother me that I’m 20, a virgin and have zero boyfriend experience – that is until I am thrust into a situation where I have to tell someone that I have never had a boyfriend before. Replies often range from: “But you’re so pretty, what’s the problem?” to “Are you saving yourself for marriage?”, but the truth is that I have just never liked anyone enough to want to sleep with them, or they enough to ask me out.
The stereotypical university experience is encapsulated by the necessity to have as much sex as possible, and although I have never felt the pressure to conform to this often-false stereotype, sometimes I wonder why I still haven’t gotten around to doing the deed. There is nothing particularly ‘rational’ that is keeping me from pursuing a relationship or having sex, such as celibacy due to religious reasons, so the look of confusion on people’s faces when I explain my predicament is completely inevitable.
There have been times where if things had gone further, I could have lost the V-card, but each time, there was a nagging feeling in my conscience that held me back. I’m the furthest from religious that you could ever meet, so I don’t think it was God who was sending me encouraging messages of self-restraint. More than anything, I think it is the die-hard romantic within me that is keeping me from giving in to my grown woman needs. I have always thought of relationships and sex as something meaningful, and I think that the undying hope that I will meet the love of my life soon enough is what is keeping me waiting. I regard myself as an extremely emotional person, and I become really invested in friendships, so I think that for the sake of my mental and emotional health, I would want to keep waiting until I have the safety net of a comfortable relationship to fall back on.
I find myself envying the sensual, sexually active girls that I know, because they seem to be so in charge of their sex lives while still remaining emotionally content. However, my problem is that I would be too much of a wreck to handle a one-night-stand. The concept of sex with no strings attached, as lovely as it may sound, isn’t suitable for someone like me – I don’t think I could cope with the combination of attachment and insecurity that I would feel. Ultimately, I think that I would rather prefer sex accompanied by the reassurance of a relationship.
This aptly brings me back to my single status; I think that my virginity directly correlates to my lack of boyfriend. Therefore, I will just have to pray that I can make it through my next surge of lady-feels until a lovely guy comes along to sweep me off my feet.