8. The Drunken Monkey. Ah, The Drunken Monkey. If you’re not in second year, you may not remember our dear old friend. How they tried, so very, very hard to stay afloat. From free fortune cookies to rentable canoes at extortionate prices, the DM tried it all. Unfortunately, ridiculously high costs, sub-par food and the worst table service known to man saw our apish companion die of liver poisoning.
7. The Curve. Who remembers that time The Curve got a 1 out of 5 hygiene rating? Dixies has a 5/5. Or when they served food so bad that I and a girl in my class had to be excused to rinse our mouths out? Or perhaps how they’re lasagne somehow has a meaty texture but tastes like a faux-leather couch. Only above The Drunken Monkey because, due to it being the choice on many an international student, it remains open.
6. Infusion. Can you please make up your mind Infusion? What the fuck are you? A shop, a café, some bastard hybrid creature filled with sex dungeon furniture and Disney-bright packaging. You repulse me, truly – as do those who chose to spend time in your company.
5. The Village Shop. Ah, The Vills. The perfect place to pick up a 4 pack of Desperados for £2 because the packaging’s damaged. The most easily accessible, tempting retreat for those in student accommodation, the saviour of many, the siren of Beaumont Court, the black abyss of student loan. Alas, you are too far away from library square and your prices are far too steep.
4. The Learning Café. How many times have I looked longingly at your pastries? How many times have I wanted to try one of your salads? How many times have I been disappointed by your coffee? Yet, you remain the stronghold of the library, the Fort Boyard of essay season, the delight of 3rd years everywhere. Keep strong, Learning Café. Hold your own.
3. Ground. You may be smug, self-satisfied and the preserve of a Hipster Elite; but you know why. Your coffee is easily the best on campus, your seating is plush, you remain warm and dry in winter. The perfect place to grab a pre-lecture coffee, meet a friend or awkwardly chat to a fellow student about a group project.
2. Mucci’s. I don’t care what any of you think, I’m gunning for Mucci’s. You’ve probably never eaten there, but I have – on many occasions in fact. The food is cheap, the staff are friendly, the portions are huge. Mucci’s is the hidden gem of campus, the crown jewels of library square, the one that never quite was.
1. Drapers. In the last year, you have received much critical acclaim and survived on word of mouth alone. Your pizzas are arguably better than those in Spitalfields, you have a snack-range to drool over for hours, you provide those neat little buzzers. I love you Drapers, I don’t care if anyone else does, because I do. Rule Drapers, Drapers rules the waves.