The (Neat and Orderly) Ramblings of an Obsessive Compulsive: Hit Me, Rabies, One More Time

It was a warm, sunny afternoon. My friends and I were lounging on the common, clutching drinks. It was like a scene from Ab Fab. Our hair was blowing gently in the breeze and we laughed in slow motion as Lionel Richie’s ‘Easy Like Sunday Morning’ played in the background. Darlings, my delicate mouth was parched from all the cocktails I had been drinking, so I reached into my bag for a bottle of water. As I took a gulp, my friend reached over: ‘Do you mind if I have a sip of your water please?’

Woah, woah, woah.

The music immediately stopped. The sun, disgusted at such an impertinent request, withdrew and left darkness and misery in its place. I was no longer Patsy from Ab Fab and the scene faded to black and white. I felt like I had snakes in my belly. What was I supposed to do in this situation? If I had said ‘No’ I would have seemed rude and weird (seeing as most people don’t seem to have a problem with sharing their drinks). However, if I had said ‘Yes’ I probably would have had to have bought a new bottle of water, which seemed like a huge effort on such a warm, lazy day and the nearest shop was about a ten minute walk away (yes, ten minutes, it was too much). This resolution seems extreme, but what if she accidentally backwashed a bit of water when she took a sip? Or, worse still, what if bits of the crisps she had just eaten remained in her mouth and they somehow ended up floating in my bottle, forlorn and bewildered like dead fish? It was just too much. I mean, I know she doesn’t have rabies and I don’t mean to sound like a snobby, fussy bitch, but I really don’t like the idea of swallowing somebody else’s spit or the chewed up remains of their lunch. It’s just unthinkable, darlings.

However, my Mum taught me good manners and brought me up to share, so this overruled my immense urge to just run away whimpering. Hand shaking, I handed her the bottle with a strained smile and through gritted teeth replied ‘Course you can… darling.’ 

I told her to keep the bottle and have the rest. I’m so generous… and free of cooties.


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