10. Pizza Hut/Dominoes – It’s not all that awful as takeaway food goes, however when you order it in a drunken haze, you will not realise the serious dent it made to your bank balance until the morning after.
9. Food you took home from the restaurant – Only half counts as takeaway, however that doesn’t mean it will come back and bite you any less when it sits slowly decomposing in your fridge for a few days before you guiltily throw it out.
8. “Interesting” food – This is any takeaway you ordered after a few glasses of wine, going “Ooh interesting”, only to discover how uninteresting it is when it arrives.
7. McDonald’s/KFC/Burger King – Comfort food I’ll admit whilst sober, but when tipsy, this is a sure fire way to speak too loudly over the counter, disturb the chav in its native habitat, and calories you never wanted anyway.
6. Cheese and oil takeaway (aka non-chain pizza joint) – You know the ‘mozzarella’ on the pizza is 95% grease (Hackney does a brilliant line in places such as this).
5. Deep Fried Sadness – The true name of quite a few chicken places in East London -cough- DIXIES -cough-. It’s a place you visit when you’re too drunk to notice that questionable hair on your chips.
4. Vomit-in-the-morning ahoy! – Any kind of place that serves vegetables that all melt to a faint green colour together, and add spring onion and noodles. You know that isn’t an aubergine you’re chewing.
3. Possible drug front – Mystery meat in everything you eat, lettuce that looks long dead and a television in the corner that is playing a show in a language that the staff do not even seem to understand.
2. Definite drug front – As above, but more terrifying and no television.
1. Closed – Let’s face it, there is only one unbearable takeaway and that is one that is closed before you down that last pint.