Top 10 Things That Don’t Happen in Movie Sex Scenes

1. Fanny Farts
Embarrassing and hilarious at the same time. The infamous car scene in Titanic would have been a lot more realistic this occurred.

2. Nose Bleeds
I don’t know the science behind this but I have had someone have a nosebleed on me a good few times during sex. However, never have I seen film sexy time been interrupted by the need to grab a Kleenex.

3. Cleaning Up
In films, ladies can have quickies in cupboards at fancy parties and just walk a way with a post orgasm smile on their face and a stain free dress. Perhaps semen doesn’t exist in film land? It’s got to go somewhere people – and gravity dictates south.

4. Condoms
Condoms generally only seem to be used for comedic effect in films, interrupting the moment of passion (which they can do in real life too). But, most of the time, it appears these fictional movie people get down and dirty bear-back. Don’t follow their fictional example guys.

5. Awkward Position Changing
Onscreen, it seems cramps don’t exist.

6. Weird Orgasm Noises
It’s not all sexy moaning. Yelps, squeaks, grunts – you name it, someone’s probably made that odd noise in the bedroom.

7. Dashing to the Loo
Sometimes, you’ve just got to go. Sometimes that sometimes is whilst you’re on top and nearly there. But, hey, nature calls.

8. Lube
Lube is great, for all kinds of reasons. But you never seen a bottle of Satin Silk on the bedside table of an artfully dishevelled movie bed.

9. Sleepy Sex
You wake up in the middle of the night feeling randy as hell. Thankfully there’s a consenting adult in the bed next to you. Sometimes, you’re so sleepy you think it’s a dream the next morning. Or, sometimes, you don’t remember at all and your partner gets really offended. This isn’t a sexy scenario often found in film-land

10. Hours of Cuddling
Best part of real life sex? There’s no need to cut to the next scene to keep the plot going. This means lots and lots of post-coitus cuddling.

 

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