My Definitive Ranking of Words for Penis

Ah the penis. The reason behind the patriarchy and all those tall pointy buildings we have. Such an influential body part surely it deserves more than one standard name and yes it has many, so let’s deliberate on what’s on offer. This is a follow up from last week’s article, feel free to check out the vagina version.

  1. Dick – Standard word that I’m going to say is probably used more than the actual term penis (this is not fact- do not reference this in an essay). I think it’s a multifunctional term, its colloquial, can be sexy and used as an insult. So two thumbs up to dick. 8/10
  1. Cock -Again another dick word which functions as an insult- seems to be a theme here- which I’m sure has absolutely no reflection on penis owners in general. At all. Maybe. Anyway, cock to me seems to be the, not to be too obvious, cockier version of dick. Maybe it’s the sharp c sound but it just has an air of arrogance about it. 5/10
  1. Willy – This word is for children. If an adult uses it in discussion with other adults I have only two words to say to them. Grow up! Willy sounds silly and really shouldn’t be used when discussing or addressing a fully grown, well matured penis. 4/10
  1. Member – Ooh sophisticated. Sort of… it has a subtlety about it which I like. It makes me think of a member’s only club that I’ve gained some kind of exclusive access to, and that’s quite exciting. However I imagine the likes of James Bond saying this and I’m all of a sudden a much more attractive bond girl, in reality if a normal person said this it may not be as seductive as it seems in my own personal scenario. So it’s loosing points for my own delusion. 5/10
  1. Sausage – Now many foods happen to resemble the penis, a phallic fruit or vegetable is not a rare thing- bananas, courgette, cucumber and the list goes on. What sets the sausage apart is that it’s meaty and phallic and this just describes the penis better than its veggie counterparts. Not so sexy but it works. 7/10
  1. Bellend – This one bends the rules a little as it is only representative of the head of the penis and not the shaft. Once again makes a perfectly good insult when necessary. I enjoy the specific nature of this one and it is quite bell-like at the end. 7/10
  1. Prick – If this wasn’t coined by someone who has been woken up by an erection poking them in the back then I don’t know anything. This pretty much sums up how needy and attention seeking penis’s can be sometimes. 6/10
  1. Little (followed by name of owner) – For when you really get stuck at what to call it just claim it as your mini me, makes sense. However can’t help but think of a literal miniature version of them waving at you from between their legs. 5/10
  1. Johnson – Honestly wasn’t a fan of this until I checked out urban dictionary’s definition. Everything from Anita Johnson to Sharon Johnson. Definitely worth a read, I can’t do it justice here. So a high score because I’m a fan of word play. 8/10
  1. The Destroyer (or something equally as stupid) – If you ever refer to your penis as this or anything similar e.g. detonator, sledgehammer, wrecking ball- need I go on? Anyone ever will assume that you could not, ever at all, make them come or even be aroused by your sexual prowess. 1/10

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