My Definitive Ranking of Words for Vagina

Sometimes the biological terminology just doesn’t cut when wanting to talk about our genitalia. So here I will offer my own personal review of our ever expansive vocabulary when it comes to the terms we give the downstairs fun place. This week’s focus being the vagina.

  1. Pussy– I guess if I had to pick the sexiest name for a vagina this would win. Bonus points as well for accuracy – soft and fluffy, likes to be stroked – kind of sums it up. Furthermore, it does have a kind of I-don’t-give-a-fuck, I-will–ruin-your-nice-bedsheets attitude that a cat has. However, said by the wrong person in the wrong situation has the ability to be the slimiest, grossest word in the human language. 7/10
  2. Gash– Literally calling it an open wound. Nah, not cool. Of all things you can think of, though I can understand the association, why would your mind go to a gash? A bit too aggressive and violent for my tastes. 2/10
  3. Minge– Just ew. Just no. It sounds dirty, like an unwashed flannel found all crusty but still moist in the corner of the bathroom. If anyone ever calls a vagina a minge in all seriousness they do not deserve to ever interact with one. 2/10
  4. Flower– How soft. How delicate. Definitely a favourite of Georgia O’ Keefe. This embodies the natural beauty that is the vagina. Definitely the most flattering of the vagina words in this list and probably my favourite. 9/10
  5. Clunge– I, like many, first heard this on The Inbetweeners and wasn’t too sure what to make of it. Never to be used in actual sex as it would kill the mood instantly. But as far as comedy vagina words go this is a winner in my opinion. So it earns itself a solid score purely because it makes me chuckle. 5/10
  6. Beef Curtains– In my mind this conjures up an image of some kind of meaty theatre and I’m nervous about the performance. It also implies that a vagina is something that you can fling apart to see the bright light of day through and this unfortunately is not true. Overall just not working for me. 3/10
  7. Snatch– It just sounds so grabby. As if whatever comes near it gets snatched up and never returned.  This is not true as vaginas are very giving things eg. human life. Too inaccurate for me, however I am concerned for who this is an accurate description for. 2/10
  8. Hole– True but basic. I dislike this one purely for its lack of creativity. If I were a teacher I would write ‘Must try harder next time’ because surely a vagina can inspire more than this. 4/10
  9. Lady Garden– My main objection to this is its gender specific nature, for not everyone who owns a vagina is necessarily a lady. Other than that I feel like this really jazzes up the idea of pubic hair and who doesn’t like a jazzy bush. 6/10
  10. C**t– Definitely the most controversial word on this list. I think this word should be dissociated from the vagina and exist purely as a swear word.  So this gets the lowest score because to me this shouldn’t be word for vagina. 0/10

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