No no no. Nope. No. It is in my highly informed and festive opinion that Christmas songs should not be sexy. To fetishize an old bearded white man who works really hard one day a year and has a sick squad of reindeers is just plain strange. Father Christmas is a paternal figure, one who reminds us of our grandparents and elderly relatives, and I know this year has been filled with DILFs and Dad-bods galore, but Father Christmas (hence the name) is pretty much the ultimate father-figure so please can we not sing seductively to him. However it is not just Santa Claus who gets the sexy song treatment, in fact many of our Christmas songs have a saucy twist and I am not riding that sleigh, it just shouldn’t be. Christmas quite literally is the celebration of a virgin giving birth- so why do we insist on sexing it up. Christmas is a time of family, friends, eating way too much, getting pissed and falling asleep to the sound of the Queen’s voice when you inevitably need a nap part-way through the day. Nothing about this is sexy to me- it is hard to feel sexy though when you fit in a week’s worth of calories in one sitting. But yet we insist on adding that sexy sprinkle to the Christmas playlist.
Let me give you an example. Santa Baby, a classic Christmas hit we all know, love and sing along to every year. I have been singing this song since I was a child as part of festivities, but it is only recently that I have actually taken a moment to properly listen to the lyrics and when you break it down it’s kind of weird. In case you haven’t heard it, essentially it is a woman one could justifiably perceive as a bit of a gold-digger writing her Christmas list so Santa, interspersed with ooh and ahhs, with her informing him she has been ‘an awful good girl’ and reminding him of ‘all the fun I’ve missed, all the fellas that I haven’t kissed’. She asks for a yacht, a stocking full of cheques and a ring amongst other things and urges him to hurry down the chimney tonight. This first of all not song you want to be mindlessly singing while pulling a cracker with your nan. And even if you were trying to be seductive of a winter night, this song would undermine any of your affection as it implies you’re only doing it to get yourself some high ticket items to unwrap on the special day. The though process of writing this song must have been ‘you know Christmas music is missing- sexual bribery’.
It doesn’t stop there, listen to famous festive duet Baby It’s Cold Outside as the lyrics are pretty sinister and predatory. Once you get past the giggles and melody used to distract the listener, you find some lyrics which pretty much force a lady to stay for what is evidently an evening she is eager to get away from. Even if this wasn’t festive, I would still have issues as it’s just the wrong type of sexy for any song, so hearing it on Christmas day makes it all the more uncomfortable.
It is because of songs like these that the fun, child friendly, silly Christmas songs just seem to embody the feeling of season more accurately. So this year when you took into your roasties and pudding, remember have a Merry Christmas and please don’t seduce Santa through song.