The Life of Pie

Before I get to the nitty gritty of this article, I feel that I should define a few key terms.


  • To be pied off = To be blatantly ignored and, consequentially, made to feel worthless.
  • To be mugged off / be made a mug of = To be disrespected and unfairly treated.
  • To be swerved = To be ditched or purposefully dismissed.


If you can’t guess by now what the theme of this piece is, I’ll put it bluntly to you. Rejection. Good, old fashioned, spit in the eye and a kick in the crotch fantastic rejection. It’s bad enough having to look at the word, let alone experience it. I suppose that’s why we’ve created so many different ways of saying it to soften the blow of feeling less useful than a dust gathering, unused box of extra safe condoms in a pubescent boy’s bedroom.


But the truth is, rejection (or what I like to call, muggery) is, all around us. From the moment you twaddle into nursery on Valentine’s day and give the boy of your dreams with gorgeous black hair and big, blue eyes a hand made card expressing your true feelings and he wipes a bogey on it and continues to play Lego with some blonde haired snake wearing the newest pair of sparkly Lelly Kelly shoes, you feel a massive cream-pie being shoved right into your face. Like I’m totally, definitely not bitter about it anymore, I just hope the bitch got a few blisters from her stupid new shoes after stealing my man. Even at such a young age, I remember feeling so humiliated and I definitely sobbed in the toilets for a while. And as I’ve grown up and experienced so many mediums of muggery, it always feels incredibly, heart-wrenchingly personal, and this isn’t even just about relationships but with jobs and health issues too.


But the one, comforting truth is that everyone has experienced it. You could be an A-list celeb with a fantastically toned body and a fat wallet like Jennifer Aniston and still get pied off by your husband. You could even be on Love island, a bronzed sex God with an enviable Instagram following and still be known as ‘Muggy Mike’ before being kicked off the TV show because not enough people fancied you. Nobody is immune from the dreaded rejection…and though every experience is crushing, we all still manage to get over it. Perhaps the human race isn’t as flawed as we make it out to be, because, quite wonderfully, we can just pick ourselves back up again, readjust, and move on. And so, like the circle of life, the cycle of muggery, continues. As the elderly die and babies are born, people are pied off in pubs and clubs and schools, and in return we swerve the lad who offers to buy you a drink and mug off the girl who wants to be more than your fuck buddy.


All in all, rejection leaves a rather bitter aftertaste in our mouths. You could be the most crisp, fresh, cold pint in the world with a perfect sized head and there will always be someone who can’t stand beer because it makes them feel bloated and windy. But once you get past that, you’ll find that there are plenty of thirsty people who can’t wait to take a sip of you.

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