My first thought after the break-up of my four-year relationship, with the boy I had lost my virginity with, was how different sex was going to be with someone new. You can imagine that after four years of being intimate with the same person, being sexual with someone else was terrifying. However, there are ways to make your first sexual experience with someone new a little less awkward or scary.
First things first, make sure you are comfortable. Comfortability is the key in every sexual encounter, the more comfortable you are the more relaxed and ready you will be. This can include buying new lingerie to make yourself feel more attractive and sexy. The lingerie doesn’t need to be a set seen from Victoria Secrets’ catwalk but can just be ordinary underwear which makes you feel as if you’re one of the models striking a pose. As well as fresh, new lingerie, hygiene is important. Keeping yourself clean and tidy will also make you feel more comfortable, of course if you prefer a natural look than don’t shave to please your partner, do what you feel is comfortable and right. Because as Russell Howard put it: ‘Cause no man has ever found himself in paradise going, “Well, this is lovely. But look at the lawn. There’s not even a rock feature.”’ Hairless or not, cleanliness is important for both you and your partner for many reasons and will mean the first time will not leave you grossed out or feeling dirty.
Don’t rush. When you’re in the moment things can get heated but if you’re not ready, take your time especially in a new relationship. Unlike long-term relationships you cannot just give each other the ‘look’, skip foreplay and go straight for the kill. In new relationships the build up is just as important. It knocks down barriers and allows both individuals to feel comfortable with each other. Rushing into something can be disastrous, especially if you’re both not ready yet.
As well as taking your time, communication is key for new sexual experiences with new partners. Do not be afraid to speak up, this applies to both positive and negative things. If you do not like something your partner is doing, then let them know because all they want is to please you sexually and if they respect you, they will stop. Similarly, if you do enjoy something, let them know! Praise is always welcomed during sex and will allow you both to discover what pleases each other. Just remember, unlike long-term relationships you and your partner do not know each like the back of your hand yet, it takes time to know what your partner enjoys and dislikes and the best way to learn is to communicate.
One key piece of advice I will give, relating to communication, is do not bring up past lovers. It can be appealing to use ex-partners as examples when talking to your new partner about sex, however, most of the time it can cause issues within the relationship. It is better to say what you enjoy without bringing up past experiences. Therefore, your partner will not feel as if they are competing with them.
Starting a new sexual relationship with someone is a beautiful thing but for those who have recently left a long-term one, it can be scary. It can be comical and awkward to begin with (that’s completely normal) but with communication and comfortability a new sexual relationship can thrive.