WAIT, SHE SAID WHAT ABOUT WHAT?

Okay, so what’s the big deal when it comes to talking about sex? Well, you’re in for a little treat because I am going to propose that there isn’t anything wrong with it at all. But, before you alert the church elders, the rest of the media and leave the comment “well, you’re asking for it”, hear me out. These questions were planted in my head when someone said, “Well, when you are joking about it, you’re asking for it”, from one woman to another. The fact that this was said horrified me. It also stems from how whenever I am asked “Which character would you say you are from Sex and the City”, I want to respond “I try to write like Carrie, be strong like Miranda, be optimistic like Charlotte and talk like Samantha”, what comes out is “I’m a Samantha”. For no other reason other than the fact that I talk about sex and masturbation – to the extent that they are the only topics people think I talk about.  

But, why is it such a big deal? Last I checked it was 2018 and we should be allowed to talk about such things with other women and to the opposite sex without any strings attached. I have been repeatedly told the fact that I talk about virginity, sex and masturbation with friends and men, is essentially asking for it. Funnily enough, I’m not and it’s clear that I’m not. I have concluded that many assume I am violating polite society and my virtue by talking about this. This is not okay. This needs to stop. We are allowed to talk about sex, what makes us feel good and make jokes about sex and masturbation, because it should be fun, but I have found that people like to make it a shameful and taboo topic. What a silly and futile thing to do, right?

Let me illustrate why it shouldn’t be a big deal. Let’s say we’re talking about sailing. You will tell me how great it is and how great it makes you feel, you’ll tell me a funny story that happened while you were sailing, you may even poke fun at it. Alternatively, you can share horror stories about sailing. Essentially, you can talk about the good, the bad and the straight-up madness that is sailing and I’ll listen to it without thinking you’re asking me to go sailing or to avoid it, unless you actually explicitly state either. Now, let’s change the narrative by talking about sex or masturbation. You can tell me how great it is and how great it makes you feel, you’ll tell me a funny story that happened while you were having sex or masturbating, you may even poke fun at it. Alternatively, you can share horror stories about sex and masturbation. You see? You can talk about the good, the bad and the straight-up madness that occurs during sex or masturbation and I’ll still listen to it without thinking you’re asking me to go have sex or masturbate, or to not, without explicitly stating either.

As you can see, sex and masturbation can be treated like any other topic. Of course, sometimes such topics need to be treated with sensitivity, this is the same treatment you need to apply to other topics at times, too. The message I’m trying to get across is that we’re allowed to be sexual beings and celebrate and talk about what makes us feel great and happy without having to be shamed, or for it to be taken as an invitation. The other message that needs to be taken from this is that just because myself and others talk about these topics, and it scandalises you, it does not necessarily mean that this is all we talk about. I cannot tell you the countless number of times people make assumptions about myself and others I have spoken to just because we talk about such topics. I have been told numerous times that it was “bullshit” that I’ve never had sex with another person because I have experimented so much on my own, the way I talk about masturbation and the vast amount of knowledge I have about sex. Did they never consider that I would rather experiment on my own? Did they never consider that I am allowed to have orgasms for no other reason than wanting to give myself one? Did they never consider that I am just one of those people that likes to be well-informed?

I can talk about politics, history, literature, religion, pop culture and so much more, yet this is always overshadowed by the fact that I can talk about sex and masturbation shamelessly. Guess what? I’m not changing any time soon. I am allowed to talk about it, but I am not going to be defined by it. To everyone reading this, I won’t define you by it either, you’re an intelligent person. Sex and masturbation can just be topics of conversation and I think people need to start realising that there is not much meaning behind much of what is said. When I tell you a funny story about a mishap that occurred when I was masturbating, you are allowed to laugh, it is funny! What you’re not allowed to do is take it as an invitation, because it isn’t in my case, and in many cases for others. Nor are you allowed to shame me for talking about it, because I like to feel good, I will feel good on my own terms and gladly talk about it.

This might seem like one huge rant on talking about sex and masturbation, but you need to realise it is an important topic in our social discourse. If you like talking about it, talk about it and don’t think that it is the only thing you’re capable of talking about. If you don’t like talking about it, don’t, and make it clear that you don’t. Don’t shame others for wanting to talk about it or for not wanting to talk about it. I say love yourself, pleasure yourself and be proud in feeling those things and talking about them. You’re only going to live for so long, you might as well enjoy it and appreciate it! Now, do you want to talk about the causes of the Cultural Revolution in China next, or debate whether Chaucer’s works can be considered feminist or anti-feminist? See? Masturbation and sex are two of the many topics I can discuss, not the only ones!

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