Trigger Warning: This article is a personal piece which deals with extremely sensitive topics and issues surrounding consent, sexual assault, and rape. Reader discretion is advised and please read at your own responsibility.
I am good at many things. I am intelligent, funny, charming. I have friends, family, and a bright future ahead of me. I want to be a judge and fix the criminal justice system, to help people and to give minority groups a voice.
But if this is all true, why don’t you see that?
Why do you only see my body?
Why is it when I say no, you beg me till I say yes?
Why is it always ‘it won’t take that long’, ‘for me?’ or ‘don’t be boring’?
Why do I have to give in, just so I know you’ll fall asleep afterwards?
When you are drunk, why do I have to be the one there when you want it?
Why is it always on your terms?
Why do you not understand the word no?
Why won’t you stop?
This is MY body; why are you controlling it?
I did not lead you on. I was not ‘asking for it’, as you tell your boys. I did not want to. I wanted to sleep and be rested for work the next day. I did not want to have sex. I did not want to, but you made me feel guilty if I didn’t comply. Coercion is not consent. The clothes I was wearing were not consent. Nor does the amount of alcohol you drunk give you permission to violate my body. I did not want to, but you did anyway.
The next time I see you, you are dancing with somebody else in the club. I see you from across the room, but you do not notice me. Am I not enough anymore? Do you not crave every inch of my body? Have I now become undesirable? Am I no longer fresh meat? I did not want to then, but why don’t you want to now?
In some twisted way, it was nice to feel desired, wanted, needed for, in the beginning. The feeling of validation to know you do think I am pretty enough, but only pretty enough to have sex with. What hurt me the most was that you were my friend. Someone I trusted, who I cared for and loved, who I would do anything for, but you betrayed me. I did not want to, but I caved in for you.
Now that you have used and abused me, I guess I am not what you want anymore. You do not face any of the consequences.
It was MY body, so this is my letter to you.