My Maternal Dreams

Photo by Alex Pasarelu via Unsplash

I want to be a mother so badly.

Interestingly, I never thought I had a single maternal instinct in my body. To start with, the role models I have had growing up did not exactly show me what love looked like in a ‘healthy’ way. Instead, all I have seen my entire life is different versions of abusive, toxic loving relationships which totally skewed my idea of love. Whilst, the impact of this has meant that I have usually terrible luck in relationships and tend to always go for the bad options. It made me think, I could never be a mother, I could never expose someone to what I had as a child. I never wanted to make someone have to grow up quicker than they needed to because if I’m honest, it just results in resentment.

Coming from someone who suffers from multiple mental illnesses, I also never thought I would be fit enough to be a parent, and I am still not sure I can be but I hope with time that changes. I can barely take care of myself without hitting self destruct and how could I ever become a parent when I can barely maintain relationships without flying off the handle because my emotions feel so intense all of the time? So, I suppose it never really crossed my mind. I had no hope for ever settling down and finally being at peace.

I’m just a little bit messed up, but isn’t everyone?

I guess things change when you fall in love though. Whilst I have always experienced toxic love, being in a healthy relationship changed my perspective on everything. That you don’t have to do everything alone, that you have someone that will listen to you, and there’s a chance for better days in the future. I think the more I learned about this healthier side to being loved, I suppose it exposed my more vulnerable side, which in turn made me realise, I’m not really a bad person at all, I’m just a little bit messed up, but isn’t everyone?

So one day it hit me so badly. I was in a park, with the sun blazing and the cool breeze, it was the start of summer and I was loving being out and about, when I looked over and I saw a father with his child, playing and they both started laughing. Firstly, if you ever have baby fever, you can imagine hearing a baby giggle is one of the greatest joys of the world. I started to cry, because I not only realised how much I wish that had been me with my father, I started to realise that inside of me was this massive built up love, love I had yet to give to someone else, and it belonged to a person who was yet to exist.

I started to realise that inside of me was this massive built up love, love I had yet to give to someone else, and it belonged to a person who was yet to exist.

I’ve had visions of it, cooking in the kitchen, my two young children come running in and I grab them and scoop them up, tickle them whilst they laugh, and then ask them if they got any homework. If they say math, I think they are on their own for that one. I’ve thought about all the things I would and wouldn’t say, but mostly, how much I’d sacrifice to give them a better life.

On the one hand, I am terrified of childbirth, the complications, the pain etc, but I have this intense feeling that I was born to be a mother. I feel like it is what my body was created to do and hopefully in the future my body is able to carry another human, but even if not, I would still adopt and mother a child, that would still be mine. I just feel like I can give another human the most unconditional love and everything that I wish I had.

I dream of the day I can make it a reality.

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