Sexy talk in the bedroom is one of those moments which makes or breaks a sexual scene. It can either be erosing, flirtatious, funny and embarrassing or God awful! It all depends on three key elements- are you comfortable enough with your partner, do you know how to sexy talk and finally, can you recover if it goes south. Let’s explore why sexy talk is key in a sexual scene and how it can improve your experience.
SEX ON THE BRAIN
It begins with the psychology of sex. The brain is one of the most powerful sexual organ, beating even the genitalia and this is because your sex drive stems from the noggin. Getting the level of sexy talk right is critical when exciting the brain, words have more power than any kind of sex toy or position!
The hypothalamus, the preoptic area and the suprachiasmatic nucleus have distinct jobs in male and female brains. Mating behaviour originates in the preoptic area with men’s being two times larger than women’s and contains twice as many cells. The suprachiasmatic nucleus which functions circadian rhythms and reproduction cycles differ in sexes- for men, it is shaped like a sphere whilst in women it is elongated. Men have a larger hypothalamus which circulates testerone, stimulating the desire for sex whilst women have a much lower percentage of hypothalamus, meaning their sex drive SHOULD be lower… but this depends on the person not only the biology.
Sexy talk affects the brain’s hearing centre, including the temporal lobe, frontal lobe and occipital lobe- whispers, moans and screams all stimulate these regions. It therefore causes excitement and pleasure. Asking the level of sexy talk in the bedroom is also key as you do not want to over or under stimulate the brain, the level needs to be just right.
Having sex and talking about sex involved two separate mindsets. Erotic dialogue suggests what we wish to do, it is our desires and fantasies whilst physical sex acts are obviously what we are doing. There is something romantic and mysterious about sexy talk as it is laying fantasies on the table and allowing your partner to pick and choose which they wish to make reality.
The more we talk about sex and our desires, the more satisfactory our sex lives will be. Conversations allow you to open up to your partner and build trust but also to directly gain what it is you wish for in a sexual scene, if you don’t ask you don’t get (consensually of course). Sexy talk isn’t essential for all sexual encounters, but it is good to involve it monthly to sort of check in with your partner or to introduce new things into the scene, it is a safe ground for questions, foreplay and kinks! You can use your mouth for other things later!
GOOD GIRL COMPLEX AND WHY IT IS AN EASY GATEWAY
The good girl complex is an easy gateway into sexy talk, but the question is why?
It derives from the Madonna-Whore complex, that every woman is either a saint or a sinner and it is at the centre of male sex drive- can you be both his naughty girl and his angel? Sexy talks are liberating for women, breaking down the mindset of Madonna or the Whore and allows them to be comfortable expressing their desires without being labelled socially. In short it allows women (or men) to become the submissive through verbal commands without threatening their life, it is centred around the bedroom and usually stays there. In this space they can be the good girl and obey without impacting the way they are seen in society and likewise with the bad girl.
Words that cause outrage in public can be used in the bedroom to enhance sexual tension. Words such as ‘slut’ or ‘whore’ -when used with consent- can heighten the sexual atmosphere and allows the woman to rebel against the norms of those phrases and dominate them in a physical space. Additionally, whose to say it is only the woman who takes on this submissive position? A woman can reverse the gender norms and demand that her husband ‘comes home and beg’ for sexual favours! Female empowerment in sex can be found mostly in verbal acts.
The biggest issue of sexy talk is trust, of being comfortable with your partner to express your hidden desires and fantasies.
Sexy talk is the physical expression of love and desire without hands touching skin. For sexy talk to be successful, it must work both ways and therefore, both parties must be involved. There is nothing more awkward than starting a sexual encounter and the other person whispering sweet nothings into your ear when you are not feeling that vibe… and vice versa! It is embarrassing to talk dirty to your partner and for them to not reply.
Sexy talk is about pleasing your partner whilst also expressing your desires openly in a safe and heated environment.
From personal experience, sexy talk heightens sexual encounters in the physical and on text! If in a long-distance relationship sexy talk can definitely bridge the physical gap and remind you that your partner feels deeply for you even if they cannot touch you.
Finding the middle ground between sexy talk and insults or slurs is very important. If someone doesn’t like a word or phrase, talk about it and find words or phrases that can be used instead. Do not go in guns a-blazing with sexy talk but rather slowly introduce it.
My final personal point would be for the girls reading this article- do not be afraid to take control of the situation verbally! Something I have discovered is that I enjoy being the dominant in a sexual scene and verbal communication is key for that power dynamic, especially when your partner is bigger physically or is used to taking the dominant role. You’ll find it’s fun to switch posts and language is a great gate way to do that in a safe environment.
Try it! It’ll take time and practise, but it’ll be worth it!